I work to empower girls. During a workshop for middle school girls, when I asked who their confident role models were, girl after girl named her mom. It was sweet and inspiring to hear their why and I was struck by the powerful impact mothers have on their daughters. Earlier in the day, during a parent workshop, I got to speak to some of these girls’ mothers. When I asked them to share what they were good at, what they wanted to be better at, and what they loved about their bodies, my request was met with groans, and a few uncomfortable smiles. Where were the confidant role models their daughters spoke of?
Despite how far women have come, many of us are not crushing it in the confidence department.
We are overthinkers. We take less risks. Our fear of failing holds us back from trying new things. This is ironic because we are brilliant multi-taskers and high achievers. Our entry into this world came from being pulled out of the body of a woman. Talk about powerful! So, why do we women have so little confidence?
According to Katty Kay and Claire Shipman’s eye-opening book, The Confidence Code, biological, environmental, societal, and cultural factors can all influence our confidence deficiency. And while some of us may have a genetic propensity toward having more confidence than others, confidence is not a guaranteed feeling that we are born with or something that comes with age. In fact, Kay and Shipman’s research tells us that girls’ confidence levels, in their tween and early teen years plunges significantly, a detriment that can last into adulthood.
Confidence is something we cannot afford to lack. It is, according to Kay and Shipman, “life’s enabler.” If we girls and women don’t have confidence, we will try less, which equates to doing less, which translates to succeeding less.
The good news about confidence, Kay and Shipman point out, is that no matter how much (or little) confidence we possess, we can always make more of it.
We moms, especially, are being watched and listened to. Our kids hear us even when we think they don’t. So, what do we have to say about ourselves? How do we treat ourselves? What are we doing in our lives to cultivate our own confidence? Here are a few things The Confidence Code triggered for me regarding how we moms can combat the confidence crisis within ourselves.
Stop Body Shaming and Start Reframing
Stop talking about your weight. Your thighs. Your cellulite. Your hair. Seriously. Stop. Years ago, my husband pointed out how often my sisters and I negatively talked about our bodies and reminded me that our young daughter was taking it all in. So, speak kindly to and about yourself - STAT. What are you putting in your body? How are you taking care of it? Skinny is a look that will deplete you. Strong is a feeling that will fuel you. Let your daughter hear about how amazing your body is because of what it enables (or has enabled) you to do. Let her hear and see you appreciating your imperfect body. Allow yourself to hear it too.
Get Off Your Phone
Back in the 90’s, when there were no phones to scroll through, we would flip through magazines and I started feeling really bad about myself the more I read them. So, I stopped buying them. How much time are you spending looking at other people’s “perfect” lives? Just as we set limits for our girls on their devices, we need to do the same for ourselves. If your confidence level is low to begin with, excessively scrolling through Instagram will probably make you feel worse. So, check yourself. Is there a time of day when you normally grab your phone, end up getting sucked in, and then feel meh afterwards? Go for a walk instead. Read a book. Play a card or board game with someone. Exercise, learning, and winning (or losing!) at something are all great for both your mood and confidence supply.
Slow Down
Does your daughter ever see you not running around? We moms need to be present – in the mental sense. We need to have interests and hobbies that will challenge us and make us feel alive. If you are running here, there, and everywhere for everyone else all the time, chances are you will be left feeling exhausted and have no time to enjoy those interests or even to discover what they are. When you are running on empty, it is more difficult to summon the strength you need to build confidence.
Work Hard On Something…Else
I know moms are good at this. But, sometimes after having kids, our life becomes all about them and we lose ourselves in the mothering. Who were you before your name became Mom? What are you currently working on that has absolutely nothing to do with your children? Your identity separate from your kids is important because it shows them what you are made of - your strengths, your weaknesses, your humanity. So, find that thing that lights you up and work at it. Working hard is part of the sauce that confident people are made of.
Do Something That Scares You
Name something you did in the last three months that was risky and I’m not talking about staying up past midnight to finish Cobra Kai. It’s easy to encourage your daughter to take on new challenges but when was the last time you tried something that was scary or anxiety-provoking? If you don’t take risks, you won’t build confidence. The End.
Fall Down
When you take risks, there’s a good chance you will fail. We need to start looking at failure as part of the process and not the end all be all. After you fail at that thing you are working hard on, dust yourself off and keep going. Figure out what went wrong and work to get it right the next time. Show your daughter that practice makes progress. Let her see you struggle and then let her see you persist and gain mastery over that awesome thing you are working on.
Start Today
I founded my company, Be Big Be Brave because I was frustrated with the programs that existed for my then 4-year-old daughter. I had a vision in my head of what could be. Sure I doubted myself but I decided to start it anyway. It was confidence - in myself and my abilites - that enabled me to do that. I understand firsthand the powerful role that confidence can play in our lives and how debilitating life can be when we don’t have enough of it. This is why I create programs that nurture the confidence supply in both our children and ourselves. Here are a few of those programs that you can sign up for today!
The Brave Project is a self-awareness, safety program for girls of all ages! It’s offered several times throughout the year and can also be brought to you - wherever you are located!
For our daughters (ages 3-11) and our sons (ages 3-5), we have our one-of-a-kind flag football empowerment program at Fishkill Recreation. Spring registration for both these programs is now open on our site!
Lastly, a new program that we just launched for parents and kids of all ages is our Dynamic Stretching class. It’s been amazing to watch the parents and kids in our community not only build confidence but bond with each other through fitness. We are wrapping up our 5-week winter program but will be offering it again this March!
Confidence is contagious and when we walk the talk, our children will follow suit!
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